i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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