all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
