yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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