tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
