My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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