I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
