You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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