My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
