Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
