She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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