just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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