Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
