ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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