I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
