He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
