You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
