Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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