____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The best revenge is premature balding
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
