So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
