Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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