neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
