Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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