I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
