he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
