sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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