that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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