guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
