I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
