so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
