Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
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The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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