just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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