I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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