Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize