I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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