I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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