You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
