Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
