I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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