so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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