So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
