if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
