If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
