Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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