I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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