my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
