You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
