Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
