3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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