My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
