I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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