I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
