ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
