saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
