When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
