My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
