This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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