THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
